Are Teenagers the Problem?

“Kids go where there is excitement. They stay where there is love” - Zig Ziglar

The health of a teenager consists of 4 areas.

• Secure Attachment (Love)

• Words of Affection and Actions of Affection

• Words of Affirmation – Affirming your worth

• Pleasure – finding happiness and joy

Been school holidays I was keen to right something I knew many would find a challenge with. However, if you go on the internet and do research, chat to parents, educators, youth leaders.etc. The complaints/feedback doesn’t change much. This really got me thinking as I listened to similar stories, complaints, problematic behavior, teens defiance, aggressiveness, rebelliousness. etc. and I concluded to look at the problem in a different light.

The Image of a Teenager

I see teenagers as those struggling to find a place in society, be recognized by their peers and be accepted for what they are. This is the most important task of their lives and they are faced with a lot of anxiety and insecurity as they work around this. You can be brought up to be respectful, helpful, kind, gentle, tolerant, follow moral and biblical principles of honesty, integrity etc. The teenager still has a choice to live by what they are taught or not. So, for example the teenager decides to practice these values they stand out like a sore thumb because they not like the rest of the peers - aggressive, pushy, vulgar, defiant and lack moral values, to name a few.

All around today, the media is not so subtly preaching that it is okay to do anything that makes you feel good. You are cool only if you have certain clothing, sneakers, Phones, Tabs. etc. The shows on television for this age group say all is fair in teenage - be it bullying, premarital sex, aggressive / violent behavior, breaking rules. What is the teenager learning? What is a teen to choose? Who is to blame? Is it their fault if they become confused teenagers or defiant?

Scheduling work and play

The stress of a teenager increases with the amount of school work, projects, tests, extra-mural activities and sports. On the social front, a new and tantalizing horizon opens up - dating, partying, hanging out with friends, looking for attention with the distraction of the media, sports, music, internet relationships etc. The teenager is under much pressure to schedule time, prioritize work and achieve goals. Effective learning skills could be of great help to these teenagers.

High expectations doesn’t help the teenager especially if parents live their dream through their children this is when the pressure builds. Expecting the teenager to excel in academics, get good grades, be the child of their expectations – well behaved, responsible for themselves and sometimes for their younger siblings and bring in accolades from extra-curricular activities - is in itself enough pressure.

Added to this is peer pressure. Teens, desire to be accepted among their peers, they feel the need to become more popular through other channels like music, sport and if need be by bulling and getting into school gangs… and are often under great stress to become acceptable and popular. Amid such hectic activity, the seeds of restlessness, anxiety, fear of failure, unbearable stress is all planted. The most immature and easy way out could lead them to other problem areas like formation of unacceptable habits, teenage depression, substance abuse. etc.

Social and parental pressure

Every significant other adult around the teenager is attempting to mould him/her into a young adult of integrity. Parents, teachers, elders in the family, social groups are all part of this. At the end they are not able to do what they want with their life even though people do not push their views down their throats, they are still under a lot of strain because of the variety of suggestions given and the fear of failure. Frequently, teens arrive at decisions which conflict with their own skills or fields of interest.

The teen is suddenly expected to act like an adult, with good social and self-help skills in areas like managing work independently, decision making, managing their finances well and being responsible.

Relaxation, Rest and Emotional Health

The most important and yet the most ignored item on the teen’s agenda. In an effort to do it all and be it all, the teen sacrifices highly on rest. It is a known fact that teens require about nine hours of sleep but at an average, teens get roughly about seven plus hours of sleep. This is one of the main reasons for performance being negatively affected.

Emotional health. Hormonal changes in the body add to the chaos of strain of scheduling, prioritizing, achieving, fulfilling parental expectations and conforming to peers’ expectation. The teen is unable to effectively handle all this is under considerable emotional pressure. This is reflected in mood swings, aggression, depression and sometimes even a complete breakdown of the individual. Here is where the skills of parent in parenting teenagers comes into play.

Searching for role models - who are their heroes - who are their mentors

The media glorifies the people, especially in films, sports, music etc. and focuses at times mainly on the negative aspects of their lives. Our children are fed on a diet that television programs and internet are proper and normal values of their heroes as they see them portrayed in the media.

So, who are their role models really? Or do we need to go back in finding the meaning for all three first.

What a paradox the life of a teenager is today!! The teens today are forced to live on the edge, at a very superficial level with no acceptance and very little positive affirmation. With much peer pressure, learning to live from the internet and television with no emphasis on moral value or excellence.

Parenting teenagers

What we need is a paradigm shift and a clearer view of our parenting skills. We need to look at ways to help teens, our parenting skills, stop complaining and take responsibility for what we are exposing our teens to right now.

We cannot afford to ignore the parental duties of bringing them up well from the time they are little. Televisions, computers and other gadgets that they spend most of the time with, cannot give them the nurturing that only parents can. Provide a healthy and complete meal whenever you pack it or put it on the table.

Build lines of communication that are so strong that your children always look at you as allies and not as enemies. Communicate positively and avoid commands and ‘I told you so’ lines. Establish rules for teen driving, discuss and set limits on teen dating. etc. and ensure that they conform to those rules. This will tackle the problem of the out of control teenager.

Let them know that you don’t always have all the answers and you too are not always right. Take their opinion and help when ever needed.

Be graceful enough to thank and appreciate them at every possible occasion.

Punishing teenagers does not really work. Disciplining teenagers does.

Be willing to listen to their point of view. Give it a good thought before you criticize it. An encouraging and supporting attitude goes a long way. Fear of failure is one of the greatest reasons for stress, help them build self-esteem, techniques to program the mind, self-affirmation could be taught to overcome this.

Teaching techniques of goal achievement, helps them break down goals into smaller, achievable modules and will take much of the stress out of their life.

Look out for sign of stress, anxiety, lack of concentration, poor food intake, poor oral and personal hygiene, disturbance in sleep, plummeting of interest in social activities, address them immediately. It could be teenage depression, get professional help.

Most importantly, let them know that you care.